


after a long day is over; i'll be next to you

by cute_lil_fluff



Series: ot4 pu: channie [5]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, mentions of vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 11:45:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17141177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cute_lil_fluff/pseuds/cute_lil_fluff
Summary: When he comes back to himself, he’s coughing around stifled sobs and gasping breaths. His head is going fuzzy from the lack of oxygen, black spots dancing in his peripheral vision, and his legs are giving up on him. He drops his water bottle and his keys and falls to the floor, curling up around himself and hiding his face to give himself some semblance of safety.updated 21/05/19





	1. mark one

**Author's Note:**

> these two scenarios were written for a request that i didn't quite fill. fyi, they're both sort of the same scenario written in different ways, so don't get confused because they're quite similar. sorry, this is so confusing. it makes sense to me, i promise.

Today is one of those rare days when their schedules don’t align and every member is off doing something different. Some are getting their hair cut and dyed ready for their fast-approaching comeback, Jihoon, Seungcheol, and Wonwoo are finishing up the last recordings for the album, and the rest are polishing up the last of the choreography.

And Chan is back at the dorms on his own.

Their youngest had overslept this morning, something that very rarely happens unless he’s extremely tired or ill- even then, he’s usually up before the majority of the members. His hyungs had taken it as a sign that he needed a break and so allowed him to stay home- he didn’t have anything urgent to do, anyway.

Chan had tried to argue- of course he had- but Soonyoung had stubbornly perched on the edge of his bed with a hand in his hair, reminding him that resting is just as productive as working sometimes. Yeah, that was rich coming from him, but Chan had relented. And, no, it had nothing to do with how good Soonyoung’s fingertips felt on his scalp. Nothing at all.

Chan lets himself sleep in until noon, contentedly wrapped up in the mountain of blankets that the Minghao had tucked him in with before he left. He lets out a low groan as he rolls onto his stomach, stretching his legs out and pointing his toes, blinking his eyes open to a sweet note from Soonyoung on his bedside table. It’s taped onto a carton of strawberry milk, probably from Jeonghan’s stash.

Both gifts manage to dull the usual sting he feels when he wakes up on his own. His heart is warm and nurtured as he sips on the drink, still curled up against his pillows, thumb skimming over Junhui’s familiar cat doodle that’s been squeezed into the corner of the note.

Despite all of his treats, Chan still doesn’t feel quite right. The decent night’s sleep has beaten the headache that he’s been enduring for the past week, but it hasn’t helped with how unsteady he feels. He’s completely worn down, shaky from living off Jihoon’s strong coffee and dizzy from too many late nights in a row.

This time of year is always hard, when they’re gearing up to releasing something. They’re all such perfectionists, they only want to give their best, and so they work and work and work until everything’s flawless. It’s too easy to slip into a routine of little sleep, little food, endless exertion. And you never realise how harmful it is until you stop.

Chan takes a deep breath, bracing himself to roll out his bed, his sore muscles protesting any form of movement. He steps into the shower, turns up the heat, and tries not to think too hard.

There are two things in life that really set Chan on edge- having nothing to do and being alone. He’s the sort of person who is always on the go, who always needs something to keep him occupied. He likes being busy, it distracts him. It’s when he slows down that negative thoughts are able to penetrate his mind, dragging him even further down. The members can always tell when he’s going through a rough time because he’ll camp out in the dance studio and pester Jihoon about redoing his recordings and convince Junhui to teach him some more Mandarin.

This is fine, though. It’s not like he’s going to be alone for long, and there must be something useful he can do to pass the time. It isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t need to be a big deal.

Chan takes his time in the shower, letting the conditioner is in his hair and washing his face with Seungkwan’s fancy exfoliator. When he’s all clean, he makes himself a cup of tea and curls up in the armchair, one of Seokmin’s favourite dramas playing quietly on the telly. He tries to relax, pointedly keeping his eyes from watching the clock on the wall.

When he works up the courage and the energy, he makes himself a nice breakfast- white rice with eggs and tofu, following one of the recipes that Mingyu has stuck above the hob. He takes a selfie and a picture of the fresh flowers Seungcheol had just brought home and posts them to their group instagram account, writing out a long message to their fans. He gets out his Japanese textbooks and works through another page of vocabulary and gets full marks on the practice questions.

Even after he’s done all of that, only two hours have passed. He stares at the clock in dismay, willing the hands to move faster. He gets the sudden urge to peel back the glass and move them himself, but he curls his hands into fists and keeps them by his sides instead. With a frustrated sigh, he slinks back towards his bedroom, falling into bed and trying to sleep a little bit more, curled up around one of Wonwoo’s plushies. It isn’t working.

The longer Chan lies there, the more agitated he becomes. He knows that he’s being irrational and that he really has nothing to worry about, but it’s so hard to stay positive when he’s on his own. He can’t help but wonder why he was able to take the day off so easily- do they not need him anymore? Is there nothing he can do to help with the new album? Does he have nothing to contribute to the lyrics or the choreography? Why is he the only one who isn’t needed?

He tries to block it all out, curling up and burying his head under Soonyoung’s pillow, but the darkness and silence do not help. Rationally, he knows that he should call someone, he shouldn’t just sit there and stew in his own sadness- that never ends well. Rationally, he knows that just hearing someone’s voice will help, that his loneliness is what’s making him feel so bad, but he can’t bring himself to pick up the phone.

Chan only moves when he hears the click of the front door opening. He scrambles to his feet, adrenaline suddenly pumping through his veins. He knows that if they come in here and find him in bed, everyone’s going to know that he wasted the whole day moping about. They’re going to be so angry.

He needs to make it look like he was doing something useful.

He tries to get his Japanese textbook from his desk to his bed but it ends up sliding onto the floor, sheets of paper flying everywhere in a massive mess. He tries to clean it up but his hands are shaking too hard. He wonders if he can make it to the kitchen before they do, make it seem like he was doing the dishes or tidying up. Maybe he could put on one of their new tracks and make it look like he was practicing the routine.

In his frenzied dithering, he doesn’t hear the footsteps coming towards his room until there’s a knock on his door. He whirls around with wide eyes as Jisoo pokes his head past the doorframe. “Channie?” He asks, but Chan is frozen to the spot, he doesn’t move a muscle. “You okay?” Jisoo approaches him slowly, Seungkwan and Hansol following close behind.

Chan doesn’t know what to do, he’s stuck. He can’t seem to get any words out of his throat, he’s got nothing to convince them that he isn’t wasting their time, no way to stop them from kicking him out of their team.

They probably came home early just to yell at him, or to drag him back to the studio so that everyone can have a go. He’s so stupid. Why does he do this?

When Seungkwan opens his mouth to say something, Chan panics. In one sudden move, he pushes past Seungkwan and Hansol and sprints out into the living room, stumbling over his shaky legs. He heads towards the front door- he needs to go, he needs to get out. He doesn’t want to get shouted at.

As gently as he can, Hansol catches Chan around the waist and gets him down onto the floor. Hansol lies him on his front and presses a firm hand between his shoulder blades to keep him there. This isn’t anything new- they all know that it’s the safest way of keeping Chan from hurting himself when he’s panicking. Even so, Chan squirms and splutters as tears fill his eyes, scraping his cheeks across the scratchy carpet as he fights against Hansol’s hold.

“No, I don’t- why are you- I- I can’t-” Chan chokes out, but he’s far too overwhelmed to put the right words together to make sense to anyone. He can hear someone trying to calm him, shushing gently and whispering kind words, but he can barely make it out over the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears. He whines, a high-pitched, pitiful sound in the back of his throat, and knocks his head against the floor, kicking his legs as he tries to get his feet under himself. Someone grabs his ankles, rubbing the circulation back into his calves.

“Hey, don’t do that, little one.” Jisoo’s soothing voice takes him off guard and he stills for just a moment, long enough for Jisoo to slide a pillow beneath his head, gentle hands guiding him to rest his cheek on it. Once he’s settled, Jisoo sits down next to him and ruffles his messy hair. Chan watches him with damp eyes, chest heaving.

Seungkwan appears next with his blanket, laying it over him and tucking it around his shoulders. Hansol moves his hand so that he can be covered completely. Chan could easily get himself up now that Hansol isn’t holding him down, but he no longer has the energy, his adrenaline rush long gone. Now he’s just anxious.

“Please don’t yell at me.” Chan pleads in a breathy voice, still looking up at Jisoo’s gently smiling face. His smile drops though at Chan’s words, his lips instead pulling into a frown. Chan immediately backtracks. “No- no- I- please-” He stutters out. Seungkwan calms him with a warm palm on the back of his neck, fingertips tracing the shape of his hairline.

“Why would we ever yell at you, baby boy? We just want to look after you.” Seungkwan reassures him, the other two nodding along. Chan knows that he must make a face because Hansol is immediately getting down on his side and cuddling up to him when he sees it. He rests his head on the same pillow and hooks an arm around his waist, pulling him close.

Chan always feels bad when he panics around Hansol because they tend to absorb each other’s anxiety. It’s never nice to see your friend in pain, but it’s worse when you empathise so much that you hurt as well. Hansol strokes a hand up and down his back, fingers buried in his soft blanket, and Chan knows that he’s doing it just as much to soothe himself as he’s doing it to soothe him.

Chan relaxes under his touch- he can’t help it.

“I’m wasting everyone’s time. You don’t need me.” Jisoo almost looks offended at his words, but it almost immediately shifts to guilt.

“Chan-ah, why are you talking like this? You’re so important to us, we’re always going to need you.” Jisoo’s voice is getting a little shaky. Chan doesn’t want him to cry.

“Then how come I could so easily stay home? You weren’t going to miss out on anything by not having me at work.” Chan shivers as Hansol presses his nose to the sensitive patch of skin behind his ear.

“Soonyoung was so stressed out today. He kept on missing steps and getting worked up over it. Jeonghan nearly left halfway through because he was getting frustrated with his own voice. I’ve never seen Mingyu look so sad for so long. It was rough.” Everyone is silent as Hansol speaks, following his words with a kiss to the back of Chan’s neck. “Do you know why?”

Chan shakes his head.

“Because _you’re_ the only one who can properly field Soonyoung’s temper. And doting on _you_ is what gives Jeonghan enough energy to get through a hard day. And _you’re_ the one who brightens the room enough to make Mingyu smile.” Chan has tears on his cheeks again, his breathing speeds up a little, but it’s not because he’s sad.

“Baby, it’s not the same without you. We need you, otherwise this group doesn’t function properly.” Chan wouldn’t be surprised if Seungkwan is crying as well. “ _We need you_.”

Jisoo uses his sleeve to mop up Chan’s tears, dabbing softly beneath his eyes. Chan looks up at him again, trying his best to give the elder a smile. Jisoo appreciates, grinning at his effort. “You needed today to rest because you’ve been working so hard for so long. You deserved today.” Jisoo’s voice is soft, quiet, like his words are only for Chan to hear.

“Having a day off doesn’t mean that we don’t need you, it means that we want you in perfect health and happiness because we need you so much,” Seungkwan tells him, both hands now combing through his hair.

They sit there with him until he really calms down, until he’s relaxed enough for his eyes to slip shut. He’s half-convinced that Hansol is already asleep next to him when Jisoo gets him up and onto the sofa. He curls up in Seungkwan’s lap because he can’t stand the thought of going back to bed. Hansol stays pressed against his side, holding his hand, and Jisoo warms him up a mug of milk. They huddle around him until the others return a few hours later, and they immediately join in pampering their maknae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **updated 21/05/19**


	2. mark two

When Chan blinks his eyes open, he feels worryingly well-rested. Usually he’s still a bit groggy when he wakes up, and not entirely looking forward to getting out of bed. His head aches a little for at least fifteen minutes after he gets up, usually rescinded by a cup of tea. Today, though, he feels great- very awake.

For most people, this would be a pleasant surprise. For Chan, this immediately sets alarm bells ringing in his head. His fears are confirmed when he glances at the clock on his bedside table and it reads 11:32. He’s sat up in an instant, eyes wide and chest tight. If he was paying more attention, he would have seen the note from Soonyoung and the bottle of strawberry milk from Jeonghan next to his clock.

This is bad. He never sleeps through his alarm. If anything, he usually wakes up before it even goes off. Everyone’s going to be so angry with him- they were supposed to be at the studio by seven this morning, not noon. Tears are filling his eyes as Chan kicks his feet out from under the blankets and gets up, grabbing the nearest pieces of clothing that he can find and pulling it on with trembling hands.

He’s so mortified. This is his _job_ , he’s supposed to be good at this. Now he’s got to rock up to the studio more than four hours late on his own, only to join his members who have been working since before the sun was up. Like he should have been. He’s a pathetic excuse for an idol, he should be working harder.

No matter how many deep breaths he takes, the coil in his chest continues to pull tighter as he rushes through his morning routine- brushing his teeth, combing his hair, gathering together his things. By the time he should be walking out the door, he can barely stand straight in front of it.

His cheeks are soaked with miserable tears, and it feels so tempting to just crawl back into bed and pretend that this day hasn’t happened. There’s no way he can fix this, there’s no way he can come out of this unscathed. The more he imagines walking into the studio and facing the others, the more impossible it feels. He should just quit now, and save himself the embarrassment.

Chan may be the youngest, but he’s not supposed to be incompetent.

God, this is such a mess. He just knows that they’ll never drop this. After they yell at him and their manager yells at him, he’ll never live it down. They’ll turn him into a joke, they all will- they won’t let him be. Oh, God, he really doesn’t want to go.

When he comes back to himself, he’s coughing around stifled sobs and gasping breaths. His head is going fuzzy from the lack of oxygen, black spots dancing in his peripheral vision, and his legs are giving up on him. He drops his water bottle and his keys and falls to the floor, curling up around himself and hiding his face to give himself some semblance of safety.

He’s drowning, suffocating- his chest won’t expand when he wants it to, his lungs refuse to pull in any air, and he’s choking on the saliva pooling in his mouth. He digs his short nails into his scalp and pressing his knees into his eye sockets. A half-scream, half-whine is ripped from his throat.

He’s pathetic- a big pathetic mess falling apart on their living room floor.

The sound of blood rushing past his ears is so overwhelming that he doesn’t hear the click of the front door opening barely a metre away. His skin is so numb he doesn’t feel the rush of cold air that washes over him from outside. He’s so out of it that he doesn’t notice Seungcheol and Mingyu until familiar hands appear on his back and on his head.

“Channie? Chan-ah, what’s going on?” Seungcheol asks, voice frantic as he squeezes at Chan’s shoulders. Mingyu’s on his other side, one hand carding through his hair, the other cupping his neck, two fingers pressed against his pulse point. “Channie, we’re here now. We’re here, you’re okay. We’ve got you, it’s all okay.”

Chan can’t help the sob that escapes his mouth, spluttering messily against his own thighs, choking on his next gasping breath. “Channie, this isn’t- no- come on, sit up for me Chan-ah.” Mingyu stutters, pressing a hand against the younger’s chest to unfurl him, trying to get him to sit up straight.

Chan can’t fight his instinct to resist, wrapping a hand around Mingyu’s wrist and pushing him away as forcefully as he can. He lifts his head just to glare at Mingyu, who is now sat on his backside, his arm cradled against his stomach. Chan realises in an instant what he’s done and is horrified with himself.

He tries to squeeze out an apology around his sobs, scooting himself backwards until he can get to his feet, backing away from the two of them with his hands outstretched to ward them off. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone. They’re definitely going to be angry with him now, even if they weren’t before- he’s hurt Mingyu when he was only trying to help.

His back hits the wall and he folds in on himself, arms wrapped tightly around his waist like he’s trying to physically hold himself together. He can’t stop crying, his sobs coming fast and painful, constricting his throat more and more until he gags.

“Buddy, you’re going to make yourself sick. I really need you to try to calm down.” Seungcheol warns, stooping down to look Chan in the eyes. “Nobody’s angry with you, I promise. There’s nothing to worry about, it’s just us. We’re with you.”

Chan whines, trembling hands reaching out towards his hyung, gasping out Seungcheol’s name. Seungcheol steps forward enough for Chan to wrap his fingers into the fabric of his T-shirt, pulling him even closer. Seungcheol does what he’s wanted to do this entire time- he grasps Chan by the shoulders and tugs him into the warmest and most comforting hug.

When he’s got his face buried in Chan’s hair, that’s when Seungcheol finally lets his tears fall. He sniffles and holds his dongsaeng tighter, pressing a hand to the back of his head to keep Chan close. He only loosens his grip- against all of his protective instincts- when he remembers that Chan is struggling to breathe, and maybe smothering him with love isn’t the best idea.

“There we go, baby. Let’s go sit down, hm?” Chan nods, resting his forehead against Seungcheol’s collarbone, his hair tickling the skin of Seungcheol’s neck. “Mingyu, could you get us some water, love?” Mingyu nods, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand as he rushes off. He trips over Chan’s water bottle and picks it up, but still disappears out of the room.

When he comes back, Seungcheol’s got Chan cuddled up in his lap on the sofa, the younger boy considerably calmer and- understandably- exhausted. His eyes are closed and he’s slumped in Seungcheol’s hold. Mingyu presses a lingering kiss to the top of his head as he leans over to wrap Chan up in his blanket, helping him take slow sips from his water bottle after he’s all warm and comfy.

“There we go,” Seungcheol whispers into Chan’s hair. He sounds absolutely shattered but obviously relieved that he’s managed to get Chan breathing safely again. It’s always scary to witness something like this, let alone be responsible for remedying the situation.

A sudden feeling of guilt washes over Seungcheol. Whenever someone is upset or anxious, there are always certain people that are expected to help. Junhui, Soonyoung, Minghao, Hansol, Chan- they do this all of the time. And every time, it must feel just as awful. Seungcheol had always assumed, somewhat unconsciously, that because they find it easier to calm their frightened members, it must not affect them as badly. He now realises how stupid that thought was. None of them want to see their members, their brothers, in pain.

“I’m sorry, Mingyu-hyung.” Chan’s voice is scratchy, his eyes red and sore but sincere when they meet Mingyu’s. The elder furrows his eyebrows and cups a hand around Chan’s jaw, thumb stroking slowly across his sharp cheekbone. “I shouldn’t have-”

“Channie, no.” Mingyu cuts him off, leaning forwards to knock their foreheads together, making sure that Chan knows that he isn’t angry. “Don’t apologise. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve just had a panic attack, you were scared. I can’t blame you.” Chan sighs a little sadly- both Mingyu and Seungcheol can tell just by that that he hasn’t forgiven himself yet. Mingyu decides to leave it for now, instead sitting back and feeding him more water.

“How are you feeling, poppet?” Seungcheol asks, pulling Chan’s attention back to him.

“Tired. Nauseous.” Chan replies, tucking his head into the space beneath Seungcheol’s chin. After a moment of silence, he speaks up again. “I slept through my alarm. I missed rehearsal.”

“Is that why you got so anxious?” Mingyu tries to keep his voice unassuming. He’s the first to admit that he doesn’t have the first clue how anxiety works, or how Chan experiences it, and he would never want to make Chan feel like he’s being belittled or underestimated.

“I thought you would be angry with me.” He’s so quiet when he says it. Like he’s ashamed, or still expecting Seungcheol and Mingyu to be mad. They both lean to kiss his hair at the same time, desperately trying to convince him that they’re not upset at all. They just love him a lot.

Chan giggles a little bit when Seungcheol and Mingyu’s heads knock together.

“Channie you missed your alarm this morning but Junhui didn’t want to wake you. You were exhausted, you’ve been working so hard recently- we decided you deserved a day off. You didn’t miss practice, you didn’t have to be there. You’ve got the routine perfectly already. You deserved a rest.” Seungcheol explains all of this while pulling Chan impossibly closer and rocking him lightly from side to side, like a baby. Usually Chan would be embarrassed by this and protest, but right now he’s grateful for the comfort. No one is getting him out of his leader’s arms.

Being Chan’s eldest hyung is a responsibility that Seungcheol takes very seriously, he has ever since they were first put in a group together. Chan is strong-willed and stubborn, but he still needs looking after sometimes. Seungcheol makes sure to always listen to him and respect him like a colleague, but love him and protect him like a brother. That’s what a good hyung does.

“I didn’t know.” Chan’s voice is thick with sleep. “I thought you were going to yell at me.”

“We would never do that, baby. Even if you did sleep in by accident- if you don’t wake up to your alarm, that’s your body telling you that you need to rest.” Chan blindly lifts a hand for Mingyu to take- which he does, lacing their fingers together and kissing Chan’s knuckles. Chan lets out a content sigh, snuggling even closer to Seungcheol’s chest.

“Love you, hyungs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **updated 21/05/19**

**Author's Note:**

> yeaaaah, sorry about this one. bit of a mess.
> 
> hope you enjoyed <3
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr](https://hattieie.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> requested by ana


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